Tears Don't Fall

Insomnia was a bitch. Something Hanzo was used to, really, but that didn't make it any less of a bitch. Usually, it would be brought on by a fear of falling asleep. A fear of closing his eyes to see the remnants of the day he found his wife and son dead. The blood, the viscera, the everything. There had barely been enough left of them to positively identify them. Then there were the nightmares where he stood opposite Harumi, as she told him in depth all the ways he had failed her and Satoshi.

For once, however, it was not these things that kept him awake.

His eyes were fixed on the sleeping form of Kuai Liang next to him, though it was clear that mans dreams were also anything but peaceful. He often wondered if Kuai knew he cried in his sleep. Hanzo never had the heart to wake him, he could only sit and watch in pity. He feared the day that Kuai would realise that Hanzo was the cause of his turmoil.

His gaze flicked over to the desk, where a framed photograph sat, Kuai Liang and his elder brother, Bi-Han, throwing peace signs at whoever the cameraman had been. Hanzo had asked about the photo before, and Kuai had always been vague about what happened to his brother. Blissfully unaware than Hanzo already knew.

He knew because he was the one who killed him.

Once, he would have spouted some self-righteous shit about how he was in the right to have done it. Manipulated into believing Bi-Han was the one who killed his family. He still remembered as the other man took his last breath as his hands clasped around his throat. But now he knew the truth, Bi-Han was innocent, and Hanzo had killed the wrong person.

He didn't know what led him to seek out Kuai Liang. A guilty conscious, the desire to torture himself for what he'd done, maybe find a way to make up for it. He hadn't known was to expect from the other man, Bi-Han despite his innocence was still not a particularly nice person, maybe he had in some way hoped his brother was the same. Like that would have suddenly made the unjust murder alright again.

But the second he stepped into the bookshop the other man ran, he knew that Kuai was nothing like his brother. Despite his friendly and cheerful exterior, there was always that looming sense that Kuai was just so very sad. Yet Kuai had put that all aside, recommended a Hanzo a few good books. When Kuai had smiled at him for the first time, it was like standing in front of an angel of which Hanzo was not worthy to even grovel at the feet of.

He returned time and again, Kuai became familiar with him, seemed genuinely happy when Hanzo showed up at the shop. He always told himself that this time he'd tell Kuai the truth, that he'd come clean about who he was. Yet it never came to be. And when Kuai suggested that they should meet and have a cup of tea some day, well, Hanzo couldn't refuse that request. That was when he'd come clean, he swore to god it would.

Cup's of tea turned to dinners in restaurants, and that to long walks holding hand, and that to finding himself in Kuai Liang's bedroom. He'd almost tricked himself into believing this man had nothing to do with his sins, but then he'd seen that fucking photograph and it all came crashing down again.

Kuai jerked suddenly in his sleep, muttering to himself something that Hanzo just about made out as “Bi-Han”. His heart ached. It had been a year since he'd first met Kuai, and he only grew more and more guilt ridden by the day. He had to tell him the truth, didn't he?

But would he hold me, if he knew my shame?

He should have never started this, never entered that bookshop and never let himself get this attached. He loved Kuai so much it hurt. If he told him the truth, the other man would never look at him again. No more of that smile that took his breathe away, no more clinging to his hand, no more nights of passionate love making. It would destroy Kuai to know the truth, just imagining the heartbreak on the other man's face was too much.

He looked at the photograph again, the ghost of Bi-Han glaring at him despite the happy expression on his face. No, he could not tell Kuai what really happened to his brother, but he could make sure nothing and no one would ever hurt the man again. Become his protector, his guardian, to repent for the pain he had caused.

He settled down, wrapping an arm around his lover, who was cold to the touch even wrapped in the duvet. Kuai Liang gave a sob, and Hanzo wiped away the fresh tear.

Your tears don't fall, they crash around me...

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