Gone Forever

Kuai paced in front of the severed head in front of him. It was one of those nights, the nights where he just couldn't seem to convince the gods to allow him to sleep, where his thoughts swarmed his mind and he just couldn't sort through all the shit inside. Yeah. One of those nights.

And tonight, for reasons he couldn't fathom, his thoughts all seemed to linger on Sektor.

It was so stupid. On the surface they had always had an antagonistic relationship, Kuai a rebellious apprentice with a penchant for getting into trouble and Sektor the grandmaster's son who had a lot to prove and tasked to deal with this particular troublesome student. They argued. They fought. Kuai very distinctly remembered biting Sektor's arm once, and had various memories of Sektor's fists hitting his face. They hated each other.

Yet Kuai could no longer count on his hands the amount of times he'd found himself somehow sharing Sektor's bed. How many times their scraps had lead to him being thrown against the wall and Sektor's lips claiming his. Sektor biting down into his neck while Kuai dug his nails into the other mans back and left deep trails down. Every time Kuai slipped out from under the sheets, both declared that this was the last time and they'd never speak of it again, only for the situation to repeat only days later.

Kuai had for the longest time believed this is what love was. Anger and hatred morphing into lust. He didn't exactly have any outside perspective on the subject, and he sure as hell wasn't going to ask Bi-Han or Tomas about it because that could lead to them finding out the person his heart seemed set on was Sektor. In those wild moments when Sektor was inside him and Kuai whispered the words “I love you”, he truly believed he meant them. Sektor never said them back, but that was fine, Kuai could say it for the both of them.

Then his world expanded beyond the Lin Kuei and he discovered that his view on love was warped. When Johnny and Sonya started fighting, they broke things off, apparently having an argument was not supposed to instigate a sexual encounter. When he looked at Jax and Vera and saw the passion in their eyes and how they barely ever battled each other, instead talking things through and respecting the others opinion of a topic.

As it turns out, you are not supposed to despise your partner, and this was news to Kuai Liang who constantly felt loathing in his heart for Sektor.

So why the hell did the thought of their lips touching keep Kuai awake at night?

He finally stopped pacing, and crouched down to be level with the cyborg's head. He studied it for a few seconds. Sektor had, objectively, been rather handsome before he had done this to himself. Kuai wasn't sure if he pitied Sektor for wanting to change himself that badly or hated him for forcing every one else to suffer the same fate.

He sighed, head dropping and rubbing his temples. He was so fucking tired, he just wanted to stop thinking about the past and sleep. He looked back up again, the lifeless head just stared blankly back at him.

“Shun,” he finally managed to grumble out, surprised by his own use of the man's birth name. “I hate you.” He actually winced at the harshness of his own words. “You were the worst thing that ever happened to me.” He huffed, dragging a hand through his hair.

The worst thing that ever happened to me, so why do I still long for you so?

“I'm glad you're not in my life any more,” he muttered, glaring down the head like it could answer him in some way. “I have to live with what you did to me, but at least you don't get the satisfaction of watching me suffer.” He dragged his hands over his face. “I'm glad you're gone. I'm glad you're dead.”

I love you, I miss you, I'm sorry.

“I hate you.” Pushing the thoughts back, because how could he still think like that after everything that he'd been through and everything he'd learned. He stood up straight, staring down at the head in front of him. “I don't regret what happened, I don't regret that your dead, and I do not miss you at all.”

I miss you so fucking much.

“I know my life is better now that you are gone forever,” he said, in finality, cutting off all other things his brain was trying to say. “I hate you.”

He turned away to leave the room, whispering the words “I hate you” in order to drown out the traitorous voice in his head.

If he told himself those words enough times, maybe it would become the truth.

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