It's been a while and I think the reason is that fundimentally speaking my life is just... incredibly boring
After things with my benefits wound down, it's essentially been quite quiet. I'm still working on self employment, still striving for improvement. My aim currently is to get better with social media and posting more regularly to hopefully build up a following. It's kinda hard when my social media presence for the last couple of years is tumblr, private twitters & this place

When it comes to fandom, I've been taking a hiatus from tumblr to try and sort through some feelings.
I'm gonna be honest, I think I've been one foot out the door in terms of fandom for some time now. I'm still not 100% sure if "summertrap" the fanfic author will still be a thing by the end of the year.
I am giving myself until October to figure stuff out, giving me chance to post AU-Gust (which I am currently working on) and Kinktober (which I hope to work on next).

I can't even really explain what I feel or why I feel it. It's something akin to defeat and isolation. A feeling like I put my fanfic out there in the hopes of finding community and that never really happening for me. And this thought that maybe the fandom is just a bit shy, but then seeing everyone else connecting and making friends. It just kinda leaves you thinking "so... it's me right? I am the problem here."
I think a certain section of the fandom put me on this pedestal that I really didn't have any say about being on. And once I was on it, there was no way for me to climb back down and be equals.
It feels like people only contact me when they want something from me, and tbh while I'm happy to provide and I will never ask for anything in return for my fanworks... Idk, it does get you a bit down after a while.

But that is neither here nor there really. I'm hoping that by October either I will be at peace once more with being an antisocial loner or Kinktober will kinkstart some sort of post nut clarity for me and I'll be able to gtfo.

Will I update my journal more frequently? Idk. Maybe. Like I said my life is fucking boring right now. I do have a meeting at the end of the month but it's not gonna be something I want to share online.

I am getting a lot more into OC stuff and finding a lot of solace and comfort in my own characters soooo... I might just have to take a bit of a pivot and focus on that for a while
But that's about it for now. I will try to do something actually worth writing about that isn't just me being like "woe is me fandom makes me sad"
Until next time!

Well, seeing as I decided to give this a new layout it felt only natural I make a new diary entry

It's been a strange year so far, both in good and bad ways.
The last month or so has been incredibly stressful, due to a change in my benefits. BUT I essentially got confirmation today that is over, so I am finally free from the worry of that I can finally start focusing on other things.

Business is still going slow. I've been making things to sell on my Ko-Fi and last night had the most KILLER idea for a comic, so I'm gonna be slowly working on ideas for that too.
Not made any sales yet
But I'm not giving up! I'm working on something for Easter right now. I just gotta keep going

Other than that, irl has just been a mixed bag overall. Some days are good, other days are so fucking awful
On the plus side? I do think my days have been more good than bad lately outside of anxiety!

In fandom news, I got the majority of my fanfic backlog out! It was a lot of hard work, but it's worth it to be back at a pretty blank slate.
ATM I'm mostly waiting for AU-Gust prompts to be announced for 2025! I really enjoyed it last year so I really want to do it again.
I'm also sort of doing kinktober this year. It's a little different this time though. I've basically gotten a bunch of half finished WIP's for other projects & challenges/bingos and I'm going to try and get as many of the 31 I chose done as I can. I'm not too fussed if I don't get them all out, but I'd like to at least get a few done!
So, with those in mind, wish me luck!

That's about it tho for now! I'm using obsidian to keep a slightly more personal journal, but I may be able to use some of my notes from it when something interesting happens!
I'll try to update this more frequently, but until next time

A little bit late but HAPPY NEW YEAR! Here's hoping it'll be a good one huh?
I won't go into my Christmas. It had its ups and downs and for some reason that time of year always tends towards not great for my family so I’m always a little apprehensive about it. But hey, at least I don’t have to think about it for another year

I've decided I'm not doing revolutions or goals this year, just because I never keep them and then feel like shit .
The only things I'm really focusing on are business stuff & fanfic.
Business stuff is going well. I set up a Ko-Fi for it recently so we will see if that bears any fruits. I'm thinking about putting my pattern brushes up for sale on it as a bit of a tester!
As for fanfic, I spent last week basically going through and giving actual titles to every single WIP I consider active and made a new to-do list. It's fucking long af (300+ fics please help me), but I'm pretty resolved to essentially focus only on things on that list and try to get it down a little
As for posting fic. Eh. I have another backlog I accidentally accumulated but atm I am just... SO over editing it's unreal I will probably try to get some out over the weekend.

As the title says tho, I've been reflecting a lot lately, mostly on my experiences within the Mortal Kombat fandom. I'm not leaving, and still very much enjoy creating content, but I can't lie, I do think my time in the fandom has done terrible things to my mental health.
Because the thing is, when I started posting back in 2020, I never expected to get any attention. Then suddenly, I got a swarm of interest and people admiring me. Then as the fandom died, those people were suddenly gone. And it's like, the logical part of my brain tells me that it is just a loss of interest in Mortal Kombat, but that fucking evil bitch of a voice in my head likes to whisper that it’s a loss of interest in me specifically.

I am going to be completely real with you all: I genuinely think between 2022 and 2023 I was having a full on mental health crisis. 2022 was a miserable year that just snowballed to get worse. I don't have a fucking clue what was wrong with me in 2023 but looking back my behaviour for that entire year was so fucking erratic.
Either way, part of me wonders if that 2023 period put a lot of people off me. I suddenly wasn't the quiet fanfic writer who mostly kept to themselves and instead I was just this manic mess that people wanted to stay away from. I mean I can't blame them if it was, I don’t think I'd have wanted to deal with 2023 me either.

About midway through 2024, I had another minor breakdown, that lasted maybe a week, but I made some snap decisions during that time. It was mostly stuff like leaving discord, muting & blocking a whole bunch of people, putting distance between myself and other people. About a week after I did this I came back to my senses and was like "wow I'm going to regret doing all that later".
But the thing is... I don't. I don't regret leaving any of it behind because being away from it all made me realise how fucking awful it had been on my psyche.

And before anyone says anything: I don't blame anyone for any of this.
It is just unfortunately the way my brain is wired and that's absolutely no one's fault and no one's burden except my own.

I do have some other thoughts, but for now I think I'm keeping them to myself. I just needed to get this out somewhere and my website is a little less intrusive than anywhere else
Hopefully now I've recognised all this, it'll be easier to not get stuck into a cycle. I think I should write more journals on here, just so I'm not sitting on bad feelings constantly.
Anyway, heres to 2025, hoping it'll finally be my year